My Mom Has Cancer

So, on the eve of the Monument Avenue 10K, there’s a few things on my mind

 It was last year, that my mother actually walked in the 10K. I remember seeing the pictures of her and my aunt walking in support of the cause and in celebration of the fact that they had both beat breast cancer. This time last year, we couldn’t have imagined that my mom would be going through it again and even worse this time.  I walked in the house and found her in the bed not really able to move after just having a blood transfusion. Tomorrow when everyone else is walking, she will be at home being looked after because it’s difficult to just move through the house without assistance.  This isn’t the woman I knew just six months ago.

I spoke to her earlier in the week and she said she had two things made very clear to her. The first was that she was sick.  It has been several months now, and she’s at a point where she realizes how serious things are.  That hurt to hear because it means she’s that much closer to not fighting anymore.  The second was that she knows she needs help to do most things around the house.  I’m not mad about that one. She does.  I want her to put every bit of energy she can into dealing with this disease.  If you need someone to drive you around so be it. If you need help getting stuff around the house, tell someone.  That’s not hard.  There are too many people around who love her to not give her every bit of assistance she needs.

 I’ll be walking without her in the morning…

 It also hit me that this weekend will be the last time for a while that everyone is around.  My brother just got a job in Charlotte.  He’s talked for a few years about wanting to move there. Finally, an opportunity has presented itself and he’s decided to take it.  I’m happy for him.  He needs to be able to move forward in his career.  I’m sorry it had to happen at this time.  I know my mom needs all the support she can get and sometimes, just knowing everyone is still around is enough to pick up her spirits.  It’s bad enough that I live 2 hours away and now he’s going to be 4 hours away.  I know I already miss him so she’s gotta have mixed feelings about it. You don’t want to hold your kids back from pursuing their dreams, but you don’t want empty nest to set in while being told you’re not going to be around much longer.

My biggest consolation in all of this is my wife’s support.  She’s really incredible to me and has her own story of pain, yet she’s here with me and ready to walk to show support for what my mom is going through. Aside from the walk, it’s been the best thing for me, having a wife that can step back and see that there are a lot of things I’m dealing with and provide whatever support to me that she can.  It really wouldn’t be possible for me to handle seeing my mom in this condition without someone at my side.  It’s very endearing to know how hard it is for her to deal with sickness and potential death, yet she’s right there everyday trying to keep me up and do whatever she can to help my (our) family out.

So, the temperature is supposed to be around 60. I’m registered and ready to go. I want to go to sleep, but all I can do is sit here and stare at this screen.. That’s how all of my nights are now, I’m either up doing random mindless stuff because I can’t sleep, or I had to be undressed and put in the bed by my wife because I crashed.  I keep thinking I’m going to wake up one day soon and have my mom back the way she used to be. Thinking about that statement makes me feel like I’m just lying to myself.

So mom, here’s to hoping 2012 will see all of us (you included) in the 10K together, crossing the finish line and knowing that we really did win.  That’s what I want to dream about tonight.

So, I’m supposed to be celebrating my birthday this weekend, but it turns out that this year’s not like every other.  My father called asking what I was doing and if I could come home.  He was strongly urging that I needed to be there because my mom needed to talk to my brother and I.  I already knew she was dealing with something because of the pain she’s been dealing with, which for my mom, isn’t normal.  Of course, the fact that she had been through breast cancer just a couple of years before also krept in my mind. I knew it could come back in some people, but it appeared that my mom was in the clear. Still, I knew it could be serious if this was the case.

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